Three Words More Important Than “I Love You”

When “I Love You” Starts to Lose Its Meaning

Do you notice how “I love you” has started sounding less like a heartfelt confession and more like “pass the salt”? Sometimes it’s as automatic as “yeah, thanks” because it’s polite, or “I’m fine” because we’ve learned not to share how we really feel.

And yet… love is supposed to be this big, beautiful thing, right? The dictionary calls it “affection,” “desire,” and “intense admiration.” But let’s be honest - in real life, it sometimes looks like resentment simmering under the surface, silent score-keeping, or managing the other person’s every move… all while saying I love you on repeat.

Why We Struggle With Unconditional Love

We didn’t exactly grow up in a world that taught us what unconditional love looked like. We grew up with fairy tales (thanks for nothing, Disney), “because I said so” parenting, traditional marriages that prioritized duty over connection, and adults who sacrificed themselves to a state of quiet bitterness.

The result of that generation shaped women to take on too much (appearing controlling), and men feeling lost in their role and contribution, leading to the next generation with confused relationship dynamics.

The 50/50 Myth And Why 100/100 Works Better

We talk about wanting “50/50,” but the truth is, there’s no neat split. And honestly, why are we aiming for half anyway? Imagine if we came into our relationships 100/100, not in a perfect, superhuman way, but as whole people owning our part, showing up fully, and taking responsibility for our words, actions, and growth. That’s how connection thrives.

But since most of us didn’t grow up learning healthy communication, our expectations often go unspoken until they manifest as rage, resentment, or withdrawal.

Love Means Sitting Through the Discomfort

Most of us were never shown how to feel safe when someone we love says, “This thing you did hurt me.” They’re not attacking or shaming us. They’re inviting the relationship to grow. That kind of conversation is love: the courage to say, “I want more closeness with you, and I hope you’ll hear me because you love me too.”

Yet sadly for many, those moments feel like criticism. And for those who are perceiving this conversation as a threat, get defensive, miss the love underneath the words, and shut down instead of leaning in.

Learning the Difference

It’s taken me a long time to learn the difference between what love feels like and what it doesn’t. My body can spot the difference now. Not because I’ve been lucky, but because I’ve done so much personal work and I keep doing it.

Uh-huh, I can feel like I’m being stabbed with a hot poker when love is absent. But there’s a strange kind of gratitude in knowing this comparison, because it means I can give and receive love in the most real, unfiltered way.

Stop Falling for the Cheap Knock-Offs

Once you know what love feels like, you stop falling for the cheap knock-offs. You stop accepting I love you as a substitute for action. You side-eye the romantic grand gestures that don’t match the everyday behaviour. You stop mistaking control, guilt trips, and emotional crumbs for connection.

And once you’ve got that radar switched on, you can’t unsee it (it’s a gift) and you sure as hell can’t pretend you don’t deserve better.

The Truth About Conditional Love

Here’s what I’ve learned, both personally and professionally, through my clients’ stories: most of us give love with strings attached. It’s so unconscious. We call them “expectations,” “standards,” or “just wanting what’s best”... but when they’re unhealthy, they’re usually about control.

  • Parents who say they’d do anything for their kids - except let them figure anything out for themselves and accept them for who they are.

  • Adult children guilt-tripped into calling or visiting because that’s what a “good” son or daughter does.

  • The “blood is thicker than water” crowd turning on family when money or pride is involved.

  • Partners who say they love you, but don’t listen, don’t really know you, and don’t grow with you.

Ask Yourself: How Do You Give and Receive Love?

If love is an action, not just a feeling, what are we actually doing?

  • How do you feel loved?

  • How do you receive it?

  • How do you give it?

Why “I Choose You” Is More Powerful Than “I Love You”

Here’s my challenge: Forget I love you.
Invite, I choose you.

Choosing is different. Choosing means:

  • I’m here for the messy conversations, not just the easy moments.

  • I’ll listen when you speak, even if it’s uncomfortable.

  • I’ll grow alongside you, not just hold onto the version of you I first met.

  • I’ll support your choices, even when I disagree with them.

I love you can be said in passing.
I choose you, demands that your actions match your words.

And that, my friends, is way more romantic than any fairytale and far more meaningful for any child to hear from their parent.