Four Questions That Lead Me Everyday
“Let’s do this!” is my motto. Get me face to face with my trauma, my shadows, my fears, my pain, my sadness, my insecurities, and I will not turn my head or run away.
According to my parents, from the time I was a little girl, I had a "testa dura" (hard head). This little testa-dura child was raised feeling the projection of being difficult and “too much”. To them, I was stubborn, rebellious, tough, challenging & disobedient! Meanwhile, I was a kid craving acceptance, connection, and love. As a child, the feeling of being "a problem"; the inability to express myself or be curious, to talk even, had a huge impact. I didn’t feel wanted, which led to insecurities, and also led me down some very dark roads – not all by choice, I will add.
No one saw my misbehaviour as stress behaviour. I was in trouble.
The day where my ex-GP didn’t listen with care, with attention, or presence was one of my turning points. I was 18 years old and knew this ass was doing nothing to help me. So the hard-headed adult that I was, resourced a few therapists, interviewed them, then booked the one out of three who felt right. I was nervous. There was such a stigma about getting help but I knew I needed it before I would go to the next level of despair.
Full of shame, regret, despair, feelings of abandonment, feeling unheard, not feeling understood, a victim of sexual and physical abuse, extreme lack of self-esteem, extreme lack of self-confidence, and questionable self-worth; I began finding tools to change my life. I know my parents didn't set out planning to “mess” with my life but they indirectly did. This is not blaming, and they weren’t the only ones. I mean let’s face it, every person we meet has an impact on us and we on them.
I know my parents did their best with what they knew and parented within the limits of their own conditioning, their own fears and lack, own couple issues, own perspectives, and shadows. No different than the rest of us who are adulting.
Over time in therapy, years in school, book after book; my awareness around my accountability to self and to others was becoming more heightened. The further I read, the more I meditated, the more I appreciated, and my perspective began to shift. If this is my parent’s version of love, then I want to do better. If so many others indirectly have an influence on me, I have to do better. I have to show up as my best self.
Through perseverance and will, through choices and commitments, through learning to love (yes, really learning to understand what that means), I learned to move out of my despair, take action, break patterns, stop cycles, and make change happen. I learned to see, as shitty as some things were, I could honour that every experience, every feeling, good or bad, has led me to this moment; to who I am today.
Of all the benefits that have come from my journey, I’d say the greatest is how I have learned to show up for my kids. Without any of this, I wouldn’t be the parent I am today. With its sense of humor, the Universe would surely have it that my kids remind me of me…in so many ways! They are so inquisitive and logical! They are curious and just. They too are “testa-dura” and challenging at times. Push my buttons? Hell yeah! It is with this awareness and desire to learn (and learn, and teach, and learn and learn, and counsel and learn and learn and Coach 😆 ) that I could be the best that I could be for them because I witnessed years back that I was repeating some "ways" I didn't want to repeat.
Patterns need to be broken if my kids have any chance of learning to love themselves, to live a happy life, learn to navigate through those down times with hope, be adventurous and learn about the world. The things we all wish for our kids; they don’t just happen.
“The degree to which we honor another’s spirit is the degree to which we honor our own.” - Shefali
I practice what I preach and practice what I teach. Truly the shift, with spirituality and consciousness has allowed me to see them as whole, as people, to see any misbehaviour as stress behaviour, to help build connection versus projection and correction, to stand back, as scary as it can be, and let their journey be theirs. I am only an usher, a guide.
It's been over 20 years on this journey. I've learned a lot, I continue to learn, continue to practice, and continue to teach and counsel. There is a fluidity to experiencing life. This is not meant to be a solo experience. Doing this work doesn’t mean you avoid pain, hurt or adversity.
I help people re-connect to self, so that life is lived and people are a participant of life, responding to life versus the disconnection from self that only creates a reaction to life. You can’t be the parent/adult you want to be if you don’t know who you are, how you want to show up and what you want life to mean.
In the vastness of this universe, we are all connected specks in size. But a speck IS a speck IS a speck. A speck matters, I matter, you matter, and our kids matter! A speck counts too (Yes Horton!).
″‘My friends!’ cried the elephant. ‘Tell me! Do tell! Are you safe? Are you sound? Are you whole? Are you well?‘” - Dr. Seuss
The four questions I ask myself daily: Are you safe? Are you sound? Are you whole? Are you well?
What great questions to ask yourself about yourself. And what great questions to ask yourself in your role as a parent.
Remember how important and worthy you are.
Sat Nam,
Sabrina
Sabrina Belo
Clinical Counsellor & Certified Parenting Coach
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